The Godmother - Part One

Me - with a cleavage

I think this is the "first" I am most proud of.

For some reason, and I can't imagine what that might be, no-one has ever asked me to be a godmother to their child before. I am 40 and haven't had any godchildren. I have only ever had a god-dog because my friend felt sorry for me and agreed to hand over responsibility for her chocolate labrador in the event of her or her husband or 5 year old son not being able to look after her.

Until just before Christmas when I got the phonecall I have always wanted.....

The definition of a godmother is...........well, there are several:

• A cocktail made with Amaretto and vodka -how come I have never come across this??

• "The Godmother" -a 2011 Romanian film - I know why I have never come across this.

• "Godmother" - a 1999 Hindi film -  I also know why I have never come across this though apparently it won lots of awards............in India.

• Griselda Blanco - the "godmother of cocaine" who was thought to have ordered dozens of murders in Miami's drug wars and was killed outside a butchers shop. 

• A female arranged to be a legal guardian of a child if an untimely demise is met by both parents.

Having ruled out the first four on account of never having heard of any of them (apart from Griselda), I assume I am the fifth. However, there is a twist. As there isn't a religious significance to this I am not technically a godmother. I am, in fact, a BODGEMOTHER!

How proud am I to be deemed irresponsible enough to be a Bodgemother? I feel very honoured to have been bestowed such a task. I have racked my brains to think how I could have been chosen for this role and I can only imagine it rests on a comment my dear Bodgedaughter's mother made a few months ago when she was pregnant and I was availing myself of their spare room for the night......." I'm really worried about getting back to my usual ( read "happy go lucky, boozy, good time") self after the baby's born. Matt (husband) - who do you know who has bounced back and now enjoys a drink and a good night out whilst still having kids to look after?". "That'll be Boo"  he replied. Admittedly there was one other person though I can't remember who that is. But even so, that was possibly one of the proudest moments of my life.

So, the role of a godmother (for argument's sake, let's not be technical about the religious aspect here) is, principally, to take on responsibility for a child should both of that child's parents meet an early and sad demise. God forbid. It is not to be confused with a fairy godmother who is actually a fairy and acts as a mentor or guardian to said young person. As much as I like to think I have, I don't have magical powers and can't fly back from the pub or magic money into my wallet.

Apparently a godmother is responsible for the religious nourishment of their godchild. This will be why I am a bodgemother and not a godmother. The Boy has three godchildren and that involves buying them each a case of port from their birth year and then drinking it before they're old enough to realise they had a case of expensive investment in their godfather's garage.

So, in the absence of any strict rules for a "bodgeparent" I vow to support my bodgedaughter in the following while she is growing up:

• She can possibly come and stay while her parents are getting pissed at some wedding overseas because they go to about 28 weddings a year and I don't go anywhere anymore because I'm 40 and have three of my own little blighters.

• I will take her for her first martini (mojito actually - apart from the ones I had in San Francisco, I hate martinis

• I will make her a drawstring bag for her judo kit.

• I will teach her roman numerals so she can shine in pub quizzes. At least in the roman numeral category.

• I will play her non-stop Eminem so her first word is ********

• I will NOT take her camping. That is for her parents or one of the other bodgeparents, I love the outdoors but I draw the line somewhere.

A bodgeparent's responsibilities are not to be taken lightly. I am aware that I now have to behave like a bad aunt and hope like hell that, should her parents actually meet a sad and untimely demise, she doesn't choose me as her guardian. A bodgeparents role could backfire badly. You teach them all the really bad things and then inherit a child who has benefiitted from your wisdom.

Matt & Ells, please drive really carefully until she is at least 18 and don't give her cider when she's 18 months  old like my parents did. That's my job!