Friday, 15 November 2013

Hair today, gone tomorrow

Separated at birth - you work it out
Today is my 41st birthday. I am sitting typing this with a lonely gin and tonic and a torn hamstring from doing the splits on Saturday night. No-one can ever accuse me of not enjoying a party so we had a small one and dressed like it was 1972. Strictly speaking I should have gone topless and worn a nappy but I haven't done that since the top of my toga fell down in the student union in 1991. Instead I bought a beautifully vile vintage halterneck dress and some Farah Fawcett platform boots whilst The Boy polyestered himself up in a pornstar wig and chest-revealing shirt. It was like being married to William H Macy in Boogie Nights except William H Macy has more money and was less likely to go up in flames standing next to the fire. We're nothing if not authentic - prawn cocktail, chicken in a basket (quail and spatchcock poussin actually - very progressive), black forest gateau, all washed down with Mateus Rose, Black Tower and Martini and Lemonade. Actually I stuck to a double magnum of Monterra Merlot which went down very well. So well I thought I should do the splits even after proving I was the most agile in the room by winning the cereal box game. 
Magic Gold Hair RemoverUnfortunately The Boy is in danger of looking like he's walked off the set of Debbie Does Dallas anyway. It's "Movember" and, whilst most of us spend a large chunk of our time removing every trace of hair, some valiant men out there are growing their tashes into very suspect shapes to raise money for and awareness of mens' cancers. Not all men though. It seems the British Armed Forces spend a considerable chunk of their time depilating. I know this because a friend in the air force has discovered "Magic Powder". It truly is magic - I've witnessed it. It was originally developed in the 70s to help black men avoid razor bumps when shaving their facial hair but now it seems it's become more popular in the forces than blue eyeshadow is in Moldova and, believe me, that's popular. I'm not sure whether it's because they're bored when they're not out patrolling or whether it's because it's too hot to have ANY hair, but when they're not playing scrabble or watching Come Dine With Me, they're waiting in the shower for the follicle-tingling 3 minutes that it takes to dissolve the fuzz on their.....well, you guess. My local beauty therapist told me you can tell a lot about someone and their relationship by how much hair they want removed but I'm not sure what she'd make of that. Being a curious bunch we tested it out with a pot "T" had bought back from Afghanistan when we were all round at their house for dinner. We picked the hairiest man in the group, mixed up the powder, spread it on his shoulder and watched it disintegrate. His hair not his shoulder. Though this stuff does come with warnings - apparently it can melt your skin off. They actually do a version with extra Aloe Vera and vitamin E which is the one I think I will order off Ebay. Armed Forces - your secret is out!

Having said that, we were wondering whether women should also take part in Movember and create interesting shapes in their topiary. Too late for this year -can't achieve much growth in the next two weeks but anyone want to join me for "Ho"-vember next year? 

I'm torn between a Dirk Diggler and a Poirrot..

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