Tuesday, 26 June 2012

50 Shades of Complete Awfulness

Well, I've finally finished it. I tried really hard but it was a struggle. And what a load of utter tosh it was. Clearly the only reason this woman is selling so many books is that people are buying it to see whether it really is as bad as everyone's saying. I reckon you could get more excitement from a Mills & Boon. If you compare the covers of the two "genres", it already gives you a clue to the level of raunch within:

A Fumble in the Jungle
Tarzan to the rescue

Getting ready for work -
it's a tie FFS

There are several reasons this book is shit:

The "heroine" is a self-absorbed, stupid, painfully-naive princess. She's so stupid that she hesitates to accept ridiculously expensive gifts from America's most successful gazillionaire businessman  - what sensible girl would turn down a free macbook, blackberry, wall to wall wardrobe, a brand new Audi A3 and a flight in a private jet? 

She has a limited vocabulary of five words which are used on a mix and match basis - "holy cow", "holy shit" and "Oh my ". 

She is clearly split personality as she seems to be rather obsessed with her " ïnner goddess" whatever that is and mentions it / her in every other sentence - that's when she's not saying "holy cow". The definition (well, one of them) of goddess is "a woman who is adored" - this woman cannot be adored because she's so magnificently irritating. Her inner goddess must be someone she wants to be- but it made me want to punch her in her pretty little face.

It is the most implausible plot I have ever had the misfortune to not have to unravel. It's not a plot. A plot implies that something happens. I read a review a while ago that said this book, underneath the "filth" is a magnificent love story. Which is strange because it's about a screwed up, unfeasibly handsome businessman who wants to hit an impoverished and naive student who in turn is very confused and very simple. There are major flaws - she's somehow managed to get a degree without a computer and has never even heard of an email but on the morning her new blackberry is delivered to her at the hardware store where she works, she manages to start emailing straight away without even having to go through the long and tortuous set-up wizard. Plus all the clothes he buys her fit. When has that ever happened in real life? Normal men either buy you something which is way too big and is consequently really insulting because it's hard to believe they thought you were that big in the first place. Or way too small which then makes them realise you're not as skinny as you both wish you were.

It is so badly written it's astonishing. And the author's written three of the bloody things. It's criminal that something so incredibly awful can be made into a Hollywood blockbuster - I say blockbuster in the loosest sense of the word. Cast to be decided but there are rumours that Angelina Jolie is going to direct which should be quite interesting as she's rumoured to be a little on the wild side anyway.

What I really wanted was for someone to stick knitting needles in my eyes so I couldn't read anymore but I (and the three other women on the train) plodded on through it, living in vain hope that something remotely interesting might happen but no. The climax (scuse the pun) is that he hits her a bit too hard with a belt (wasn't that standard corporal punishment at school not so long ago?), she doesn't like it, cries and leaves, even trying to give back her car, clothes and various bits of technological equipment on the way out. Hope I haven't spoiled the non-plot for you there.

So, it's pants. 

Better order the next two then to see if they get any worse....

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